what?

so i am confused and sad and pissed off and probably feeling everything else on the planet. im going to say that i really dont like you for that.

so lately

i have ha a lot of time to just think about things, and i have concluded that things are good, though certain people being in certain places is less than desireable.

i saw two people the other night who i absolutely despise. i was not in a normal state of mind, thankfully, because otherwise i would have not handled myself so well. i started laughing, REALLY laughing, like on the floor you might pee your pants laughing at my unfortunate circumstance in this moment and it made me forget about all the bad things and i realized how over it i am. and it was even better because i could tell she was so pissed i was there. suck on that, ho.

i miss you. i feel distant lately and i really dont like that but i guess the world has not ended yet. more like you just have better things to do, although in 2 weeks you wont. i cant be excited yet because i dont feel like you even care.

tonight is a good night for star gazing and bonfires and good conversations.

right.

You dont care and you want me to stop talking about it and that is perfectly fine. for a second im going to pretend like you aren't there though so you can just roll your eyes.

it feels like my best friend died. she was there and now she is suddenly gone. she is almost with this new boy now that i did not know about because she is not talking to me. in the world of girl best friends it is really bad when she wont talk to you about a new boy. i dont like that she is selfish and jealous and insecure and immature but those things are not what i knew of her for so long. we were besties for 5 solid years before any of the backing off started to happen. i cant change who she is now and im sure as hell not going to change my life in any way to mold to her new self but it really really really breaks my heart that im never going to have that girl again. im going to stay away from the "a piece of my heart has been ripped out of my chest!" kind of things because that is too lame but really...it feels like she died.

i love her so much. you dont understand why. we were ride or die. i want her back in my life so badly. no matter what happens it looks like someone is going to end up unhappy, and from the looks of it im just going to take that and "get over her", which everyone seems to think is easy as motherfucking pie. "you don't need her in your life, friends dont act like that." well actually, i think you should stfu (my little voice in a non threatening manner...because i would never actually tell you to shut the fuck up). my insides really hurt. and i dont care that i am a girl and only a girl would ever say anything like that.

ps i love you and i miss you.

damn my head hurts.

so this girl went into the hospital the other night because she had dislocated both of her thumbs having sex. the same night a woman went into the hospital with a twisted knee sort of thing because she fell off the bed when her and her husband were "having some fun." im sure that sort of stuff happens all the time at hospitals all over but it makes me laugh. it must have been some good sex.





I saw a guy get pwned by a bicycle that he walked out in front of while texting. this is the same day that there is an article in the school newspaper about the "dangers of text-walking."


Apparently in London there are lampposts and telephone poles that are covered in padding to rid text-walkers of such "hazards." I will never believe that this is real.

People make me want to spit in their faces. That statement is so grammatically incorrect but you get my point. Spitting takes a minimal amount of effort (sometimes...I am a particularly bad spitter...) while yelling or crying or hitting or kicking or throwing things takes work. Fuck me having to work when they should not be breathing anyway.

so this is like a shot in the dark.

I don't want you to think that im crazy jealous or anything. I would normally keep this to myself and not write it in a blog because quite frankly, it is lame. But also quite frankly, I don't give a shit...because I am a hot mess.

I want you to be happy because I like you the most when you are happy so I don't exactly know why im so weird, I think its because you don't seem excited about anything pertaining to seeing me? because you are just thinking about lady gaga and bloc party and jeans? I feel unimportant most of the time because I am so far away...and I get that you have a life that is more than me as it should be, but I want some lovin'. I get freaked out because I love you so much and I dont want you to think that I am crazy so i dont like to talk to you about certain things...Im just lonely, really lonely, and I wish I was with you. If you could ever do anything to make me happy it would be proving Cecilia wrong as hell. That's all.

bahhhhh.

I was listening to Birds and having quite the dandy time when i fell down the stairs. cement stairs. I'm sure it looked funny but no one laughed. oh well.

But he was looking at her all funny in the eye. she said, "come on boy tell me what you're thinking, now don't be shy." he said, "alright. i'll try. all the stars up in the sky and the leaves in the trees, all the broken bits that make you jump up and grassy bits inbetween...all the matter in the world is how much i like you."

things on my mind today:
1. chimpanzees are 99% gentically similar to us.
2. im going to try to fit "loony bin" into by description of a days events.
3. strawberry, peach, or banana? i need new chapstick.
4. fruit flys can get mutations and develop ectopic eyes on their poor genitals. considering they study mutations in fruit flies to help understand humans im concerned that one day i might encounter a penis that is actually staring back at me.
5. I get to walk through the woods and im so excited I might dance.

war.

so i dont really like straylight run anymore but i do still love Hands in the Sky. Im listening to it right now and i cant even tell you how perfectly it fits my mood. If i was a song it would be this one.

Today was kind of really shitty. i hate everyone, well not everyone, but i hate people. when i say i hate people, fuck "hate" being a strong word, because i really hate them. I want to believe in humanity again, like we all did when we were young, but a big big fucking miracle is going to have to happen if that is ever going to come about. However, there are always those few people, like you if you're reading this, that are the exceptions to everything i say about hating everyone. thank you and i love you with everything that i have.

Ive watched a lot of Lost today, and i really really love it.